The Greatest Crime: Being Single in an LDS World

The Greatest Crime: Being Single in a Mormon World by Barbara Simpson

I am Mormon, and there is one thing everyone should know about Mormons: They believe strongly in the family. From the time you are born, you are taught about how important families are. You go to church with your family, you support your family through every activity they have, and you spend every Monday night with your family.

Even in church this is reinforce through lessons on how families can be together forever. Teenagers are taught to prepare themselves for the time when they, too will begin a family. Marriage is this heavenly acquisition that will complete an individual. Without a man and women being joined together through marriage, you are nothing.

And now you need to know something about me. I am 29 and single. In the rest of the world, this is not a big deal, but to a Mormon society, I might as well be the town drunk. Through out the years, my friends and I have received a lot of advice. Now looking back on my life had I heeded the advice, I may not be in the dire situation that I am in. If you find yourself in this unfortunate state, here is a timeline of what to expect.

Ages 18-21

Since birth, Mormons have been primed to believe that they will find the one and only between the ages of 18-21. You have two camps. The first believe that the sooner you get married the better. This group feels that school is just a means of finding a husband. They know that once their knight in shining armor has returned from his mission, they will date for a couple of weeks and know that true love has come. He will propose within a month and you will abandon your education. For, why would you need to spend the time and money on something that will get in the way of having children?

The second camp believes you should hold out as long as you can. It is much better to marry when you are older, such as 20 or 21. This way you can complete your schooling. School is important to these people because they are more practical. They still plan on staying home with the kids, but at least they will have an education in case "something happens" (but of course it won’t because they will be protected by their marriage sanctioned by God and their decision to be practical in waiting to be married until they were older).

Ages 21-23

Some in the LDS world are not married by 21. Slowly, a darkness fills these people. Doubt and despair emerge into their lives. They secretly think, “Whatever happens, please don’t let me graduate with out a husband. My dreams of carrying a baby across the stage in a cute cap and gown are gone. What will I do if the man that was promised to me in the pre-existence isn’t there to celebrate my victory with me? And worse yet, what will I do after graduation?”

At this point you only have three choices. The first is a mission. In our church, they allow women to go on missions at the age of 21. They can’t go at 19 like the men, because, well no one really knows why. My personal opinion is that it’s too risky. My friends and I have been told that if you don’t get married by 25, you have to be the second hand wife. That gives a girl only 7 years to find a husband. From 18-21 is the prime time, and the overtime is 22-24. If we send a woman on a mission from 19-21 we have just knocked out two years of the prime time, which leaves her with one year to find a spouse. With the overtime she is left with five years, and let's be honest, some girls are really in need of the full seven. The other problem with this is some girls get it in their minds that they "want to go on a mission." One Bishop pointed out to my friend that she was confusing her feelings of wanting to go on a mission with wanting to be married. This is a common mistake with women. They easily get their feelings all mixed up and don’t really know what they want for themselves. Those at 18 are so naive and they may actually lose of year of potential wedlock because they are "waiting to go on a mission." If a girl has to wait the extra 2 years, there is a high probability that her prince charming will come in and sweep her off her feet before she has a chance to go on the mission.

At 21 you, can choose to go on a mission, but there are some risks involved. There are two types of men out there. Those that want to marry a returned missionary and those who will not marry a returned missionary. One of my guys friends told me that one way to ensure I would never get married was if I went on a mission or I went to graduate school. Seeing as I was only 20, I did not think to inquire more about this issue, but luckily, I have another friend who was enlightened by another male. He said that he wants to make sure he is the senior companion in the marriage. It make sense. The man needs to be more intellectually capable because he will be providing for the family. It also poses a threat to his manliness to have a woman who knows as much as he does.

There are some men who will only marry a returned missionary. These men see a bigger picture. One boy commented that he needed to stop dating intellectually hollow individuals because he was going to be a doctor. He knew that majority of his time would be spent away from the home because of his career choice. As a result, his wife would be the person raising his 8 future missionary boys. Without his constant presence, he would need a woman who could fill his shoes intellectually. This can only be accomplished by a woman who has faithfully served a mission. Her training in that year and a half will be vital in preparing his army of Helaman.

If a girl at this point chooses not to go on a mission, she can either go to graduate school or enter the work force. Either choice is risky. While going to grad school seems like a safe choice because you are just extending your education to give you more time to find a husband, it can also be a detriment. As I said earlier, I was told by a boy that one of ways to ensure you would never get married was to go to grad school. To get a higher degree, means that you have to think more intellectually. Women begin to get ideas of independence. They form opinions, which can complicate a marriage. If a woman thinks too freely, the marriage ends up being a compromise of two people. It becomes a sticky mess of working together, arguments, and a disruption of a happy home life. It's much better for a woman to be submissive. Allowing a woman to go to grad school opens up Pandora's box. In addition to this extra stress on a marriage, my wise friend who also let me know that it is a waste of money. My graduate school cost me almost 10 grand. It was so stupid of me to waste that money when I will only be staying home with children after I get married. For that price I could have paid for one of my sons to go on a mission.

If you are wise and don't go to graduate school, you can enter the work force. This is a mystical place for the woman. You are required to think, contribute, and develop as a person. You begin to work harder than you ever have before. You have to find a clear balance of not being bitter because you aren't married and have to work, and not liking your work too much. Liking to work shows that you if you do get married, you might create the greatest sin of all that that is to be a working mother (not out of necessity, but because you want to).

Ages 25-27

One of my friends was told at the age of 24 she should get use to the idea of being single her entire life. Another friend was told (referring to those who were 27 or older and still single), "I don't even know why those people even bother going to church. Haven't they realized that it's not going to work out for them?" This is a controversial topic because many people believe we should not give up on getting married. In fact, many of us have been reprimanded for being so selfish as to be single. However, there are still bishops, parents, grandmothers, and married friends who still plead for our desperate attempts to find love.

At weddings, relatives give the reassuring comment of "you'll probably be the next one." And even though you've heard it 23 times, it reassures you that you may be the next one to marry. And don't forget the aunt who makes sure you can participate in the bouquet toss. Maybe that 6th bouquet you catch will be the one that actually works.

Though the older single person may say he or she doesn't want to be set up on blind dates, they are just being modest. There is nothing better than going date with a person you don't know. They are attractive in God's eyes, and their quirky personality makes them extra unique. Besides, people who are older and single haven't figured it out, and they are going to need a little extra guidance if anything is going to work. The only precursor for setting these people up is that they are older and single. Because of course, if you are both older and single, it must be a match made in heaven.

Probably one of the best things that a bishop to help the lost souls is to set up a dating panel. A panel of 5-8 men sits in the front of Relief Society and the women get to ask them questions. All frustrations of both sexes are exposed, addressed, and then the women know what they need to change about themselves so they are asked on a date. One of the most beneficial comments was from a panel member who shared with us a list about what he and his roommates would like to see in their future wives. I found out from this that I needed to learn to bike, run, hike, camp, kayak, get a dog, play the piano, sing, be pretty but not high maintenance, be smart but not too smart, dress sexy but not immodest, etc. Finally, I was given a list that was concrete enough to help me with dating. In addition to the list of everything that was wrong with us as women, we also were reassured that the men were dating a on a regular basis. Now it was clear, since the men were dating on a regular basis (at least once a week) if we weren't being asked out, it was because we weren't doing something right on the future wives list. In the end, I knew exactly how to start dating more, and I felt spiritually uplifted during church that day because I was on my way to find my future husband.

Ages 28-31

At this point the older single person no longer will be set up on blind dates. Though family and friends still pray for the day when we will be delivered from this evil hold, they somewhat lose faith as well. What will you do at this point? You will see in church that every day there are more and more girls, and less and less boys. Eventually, your ward will turn into a woman ward where the bishopric has to pass the sacrament because there are not enough boys

At this point in life there is one thing left to do. One thing that makes the hearts of grown men shutter. One thing that goes against all that is good and virtuous. One thing that even the prophets have warned against. The thing that must be done in secrecy in the quietness of the night, never to be exposed to mankind. Yes, it is ONLINE DATING. Before you embark on this journey, let me warn you of the dangers. First of all, President Oaks condemned this practice by saying that you shouldn't shop for a spouse through the Internet. Some may choose to ignore this warning. They claim, “Hey we’re not dating online, we only met online.” One word of warning, if you do choose to go down this path, keep it a secret. Any questioning of religious authority places you in the untouchable category.

Ages 31 to Eternity

I'm not to this stage, but I am close. I don't know a lot about it, but I have some friends who have crossed over to the other side. At this point, not only have friends and family members given up on you. The one thing that had your back has also given up on you. Yes, the church has deemed you a failure. No longer will you be able to attend those ward prayers. No longer is there a Family Home Evening group. No longer will you be allowed to go to church and hit on whatever guy you want to. You will walk soberly back into a chapel of crying children and rebellious teenagers. The parents hold their children close as you walk into their beloved church. "See children, if you are too selfish, that can happen to you."

Consequences of Being Single

I hope no one has to endure what I've endured. Because of my spare time I've been forced into developing talents like piano playing, photography, rock climbing, framing, and running. I've had to go to plays on Broadway, light prayer candles in Cathedrals in England, listen to chanting in the Notre Dame Cathedral, bargain with merchants in Mexico and Guatemala, kayak to secluded beaches in New Zealand, stand alone on the beaches of Mexico, wander the markets in Germany, and contemplate the meaning of life in Westminster Abby. I've had to buy my own home and not have someone else tell me how to decorate it. And I've had to develop my career to the point were I've had to present at several conferences. Yes, I've been forced to endure all these things because I was single.

Why I wrote this piece?

After one particular stupid piece of advice my friend got, she came home and said, “I’m going to write a book about being single.” The rest of us in the room thought this was a great idea and brainstormed for hours about what could go into the book. I told her that she really did need to write, but she never did. When I found out about this assignment, I knew this was the topic I wanted to write about. Every thing in this piece is true. Nothing has been made up. I think if people only knew how they sounded before they made a stupid comment, they’d be a little more compassionate next time.

Top Memories of My Life

Believing that Santa was in my house because I heard his bells (or my sisters diaper swooshing)

Eating a carton of ice cream with my family for family home evening

Going to my Grandma's for breakfast for the 4th of July

My mom making a Barbie dresses for Julie and I

My friends and I creating our own Babysitter's Club

Going with my Aunt to Knott's Berry Farm

Picking huckleberries at Priest Lake

Finally getting up on water skiis

Exploring the forest at Priest Lake

Going to Lagoon in Junior High with my friends

Eating pancakes as a regular meal in college

Making Fajitas with Heidi and watching people from our apartment and timing them as they crossed the street

Going skiing with my roommates

Reteaching myself how to play the piano

Crying because I had no money and they wouldn't even take my blood for a source of income (listening to the Land Before Time soundtrack to make me and Maryn feel better)

Taking our couch outside to watch a movie in the courtyard of Cinnamon Tree

Eating Japanese food for a semester every night for dinner.

Going to Apt 34 until midnight, then IMing until 1:30 and then going out to Los Albertos for a midnight snack.

Chaos at Midnight

Watching Les Miserable in the Curan Theatre in San Fransisco

Walking through the Nauvoo Temple after taking a class on the life of Joseph Smith

Getting to the top of a climb with out stopping for a break in rock climbing

My first 5K

Going to magic mountain with my friends from Cinnamon Tree

Cuddling for the first time with my first boyfriend

Kissing after looking up at the stars

Eating at a restaurant on the side of the road in Guatemala while we drank out of glass coke bottles and listened to people performing

Swimming in blue-green water in Guatemala

Taking my first amazing photo

My first yoga class

Walking through the streets of New York City

Watching Wicked on Broadway

Walking through Mount Holyoke, Massachusetts

Walking by old houses in Rhode Island

New Kids on the Block Concert when I was 27

Gambling with Jessie and Zach in Las Vegas

Listening to a boys choir sing in Westminister Abby

Seeing my all time favorite painting in the National Gallery and seeing Jesus London Day

Watching Zach talk to the druids at Stonehenge

Lighting a candle in the Salisbury Cathedral

Listening to the chanting in the Notre Dame Cathedral

Eating at a French Bakery and listening to people perform as we ate.

Walking through Montemarte

Watching the Bastille Day fireworks

Eating at an Italian restaurant in Paris after a long day at the Louvre, Effiel Tower, and Statue of Liberty.

Standing in front of the Pantheon, standing in the Colosseum, and seeing the "School of Athens."

Watching a sunset in Sorrento, Italy and eating gelato and pizza

Walking through a concentration camp in Germany

Sitting on the side of the street in Munich, Germany

My first time snorkeling

Listening to "I Wanna Know What Love Is," while sitting all alone on the Beach in Cancun Mexico as the warm bright blue water rushed over my feet.

Superstitious or Realizing that there are Patterns in My Life?

I've recently realized that I am somewhat superstitious. I've come to accept the fact that bad things will happen to me at certain times.

Example 1: January

Every bad thing that happens to me happens in January. Every other year it is a personal thing, and every other year it is something to do with work.

2007: My para went ballistic on me.
2008: My boyfriend broke up with me.
2009:I had a parent raise all heck for me.
2010: I got Diabetes.

Example 2: Odd and Even Birthdays

Every age that is odd, I have a good birthday. Every age that ends with an even number is a good birthday.

I've blocked most of these experiences, but one I remember this year when I turned 28, I got into an accident with my new yellow truck. Case closed.

Some may say these things are superstitious, but I feel like I'm just calling it like I see it.

The Adventurous 2009

I've decided to make a list of all the good and bad things that happened in 2009.

Bad things

I have forgotten what happened in January, February, but I'm sure there were some not great stuff as well.

March

I nearly killed my self finishing up my thesis for my master's program. Each week up to that point I was almost in tears because of exhaustion from working and going to school full time.

April

For my Birthday, I hit another car with my new Yellow Truck. Luckily, you could barely see the damage on my car.

May

My Dad was in the hospital for 3 weeks with Campliflobacter. He recovered and was able to make it to my graduation.

June

My eye doctor discovered that I have no peripheral vision. The result could have been glocoma or a tumor. Thankfully, it was neither which only led to an MRI ($600 later).

August

The reality of the strain of my job set in as I began teaching.

September

Swine flu which lead to several months of not being able to breathe.

October

MRI

My mom stepped on a toothpick and nearly died.

November

Pulmonologist to figure out why I couldn't breathe. I've been on a regular inhaler since.

December

My brother got diagnosed with Diabetes which led me to get and exam and to find out that I had it as well. The medication has caused me to be sicker than I was before I was on the medication.

Good Things

April

I had a great birthday even after I hit another car.

May

I graduated with my masters degree which one of the most amazing things I've ever done.

June

Zach, Jessie, Phinner, and I went to Las Vegas and California and had the time of our lives. Phinner started walking at Magic Mountain.

I spend 2 weeks on the Oregon coast where my niece and nephew said their first words of "hola" and "douglas." We went to an aquarium, sat on the beach, went to a petting zoo where we held baby lions, leopards, and possums. We ate great sea food and had a fun time with family.

July

I backpacked across Europe with Zach, Shelley, and Camille. We saw Westminister Abby, Big Ben, Towers of London, Eye of London, a play in Picadilly Circus, Stonehenge, Hampton Court, Salisbury Cathedral, Kensington Park, National Gallery, Arc d' Triomphe, listened to a prayer in the Notre Dame Cathedral, gave money to a gypsy, walked along the Seine River, walked around Montemarte, saw Sacre Coer, saw fireworks on Bastille day (amazing), went to the top of the Eiffel tower, saw the statue of liberty in Paris, went to the Louve, visited the gorgeous place of Sorrento Italy, got pickpocketed, ate the most amazing pizza, had the worlds best ice cream, watched people dance in Italy, saw the Panthenon, Vatican City Museum, saw School of Athens, Sistine Chapel, greek statues, Rafael Paintings, Colloseum, Roman Forum, Trevi Fountain, Castl San Tanglo, took a night train to Germany, saw an Austrian Village, walked in the streets of Munich, drank and ate at a famous beer hall, went to a concentrating camp, learned how to use the railway systems in 4 countries, stayed in hostiles, met people from around the world. I had the time of my life. So many of my dreams came true, and I learned so much about myself.

August

I was reminded why I love teaching.

September

I began my journey of watching LOST.

October

I went to Cancun. I sat on the warm beach with bluish-green water and listened to "I want to know what love is"remade by Mariah Carey. I saw the ruins at Tulum and Chich Itza. I went snorkeling in a cenote and in the ocean, I fed a monkey, held a cocodile, let a bird kiss me, and held a snake, I ate a fish with the head still on it, I bargained with the locals in Spanish, I bought a guitar, I slept in a scary hotel, I rode on buses throughout Mexico, I got drenched in a rainstorm, I went to church in a Spanish speaking branch, and I stayed at a resort.

November

I became a registered democrat.

December

I got to spend time with all of my family.

This has been a crazy year. It's been hard, and had some great adventures. As I was in church today, the Bishop said something that rings true to me. The more you advance in this life, the harder it gets, but the benefits also increase. Amen. Here's to 2010. Hopefully everything will continue to increase.

Sitting on the Beach

As I was sitting on the beach in Mexico listening to "I want to know what love is" by Mariah Carey, I realized that I was happy. When I sat in a meeting at work today about a new computer program that is so complex we have had 4-5 hours of training on it and it is still confusing to people, I realized I was not happy.

2 Times the Amounts of Parties

When you are older and single you have twice as much fun because you have twice as many parties. One party for your married friends and one party for your single friends. But sometimes the single parties aren't fun because people are worried about being married which is a conundrum.

Facebook

Whenever I do something fun, I feel the need to take pictures. I don't take the pictures for scrap booking or to show friends and family. I take the pictures to post them on Facebook. In fact, I have found that I do a lot of things so I can post it on Facebook. I somehow feel like it's my validation of being a cool person.

Isn't Technology Great!